yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
