Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
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I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
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I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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