at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You've changed since you got that strap on
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
