You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
