you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
