Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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