Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
