I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
