So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
