Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
