Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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