Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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