I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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