farters have to be the big spoon...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
