I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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