I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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