I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
