nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
