he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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