3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
