I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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