when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
