I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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