true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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