M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
