It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
