I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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