just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
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it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
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After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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