I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
