I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
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I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
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If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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