so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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