You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
