I faked an abortion last night.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
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First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
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I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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