i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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