like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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