i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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