I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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