Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
