You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
