I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
