While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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