my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
