I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
