I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
