The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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