the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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