Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
