i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
