Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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