well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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