Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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