Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
