I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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